The Excuse Facade
Above is a picture of "Main Street Disney." The myths about domestic violence (DV) are in actuality excuses for their behavior that abusive men hide behind. Behind these pretty, complex, store fronts there is a secret: it's not a main street at all but all a rouse to get you to believe it is. Similarly abusive men use these excuses for their behavior as a screen to hide behind, hoping that you wont discover their abusive behavior.
The Myths about DV
In Bancroft's Why Does He Do That?: INside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men he devotes chapter two to dispelling the myths about DV. An abuser in an abusive situation is more aware of his actions then he lets on. Bancroft describes the abuser as a magician. He distorts situations, makes excuses for his behavior, and convinces others of his good intentions all to keep control over his partner and keep his partner from ever honing in on his abusiveness at all. Because of this, many myths surround DV. I choose to discuss and explore this chapter, because this is one of the biggest barriers to helping people understand the cultural roots of DV and dispel the homegrown myths surrounding DV.
Many people may ask, “What exactly are these so called myths about DV?” Well as stated in Bancroft’s study there are 17 Major myths about abusive men and DV:
1. He was abused as a child and needs therapy for it.
2. His previous partner hurt him.
3. He abuses these he loves the most.
4. He holds in his feelings too much.
5. He has an aggressive personality.
6. He Loses Control.
7. He is too angry.
8. He is mentally ill.
9. He hates women.
10. He is afraid of intimacy and abandonment.
11. He has low self-esteem.
12. His boss mistreats him.
13. He has poor skills in communication and conflict resolution.
14. There are as many abusive women as men.
15. His abusiveness is bad for him as for his partner.
16. He is a victim of racism.
17. He abuses drugs and alcohol.
These myths about DV are also the most commonly used excuses for abusive men. Remember, abuse is about control over a partner. It is a conscious choice made by the abuser. These excuses, made by both his partner and him, are just that; excuses for his actions. I will briefly go over some of the most common excuses. Number’s 8, 9, 11, 14, and 17.
-8. He is mentally ill: The aggregate body of research on DV has found that most abusive men are NOT abusive. Their apparent irrational, violent, and “crazy” behavior works to their advantage to confuse, fluster, and eventually get control over their partners. To quote Bancroft, “their value system is unhealthy, not their psychology.” A choice is made by the abuser to treat their partners badly; if they had a true mental disorder they would treat everyone horridly and not just their partner.
-9. He hates women: Abusive men don’t hate women they disrespect them. Remember DV is a result from a value system that has been placed on women. They are property and can be controlled by any means necessary. Most studies have found that abusive men did not have overbearing mothers or abusive mothers, but rather fathers whom where abusive which carries over to their sons.
-11. He has low self-esteem: Abusive men usually carry a high opinion of themselves, using their wives as ways to boost their own self image by being superior to them. The control they exhibit over their partners usually glorifies and empowers themselves. Using this as an excuse, generally, gets his partner and outside parties to pander and cater to his ego.
-14. There are as many abusive women as men: There is no doubt that there are women who treat their partners horribly; however, is this actually a problem? Are there men going to shelters, failing at work or school, or forced to have unwanted sex from their abusive wives? The answer is plainly no. It is extremely rare to see this in our society. If shame were keeping them in the closet, then women would never come forward about abuse either, so throw that thought out! DV happens to women because of their second-class status that is engrained in abusive men, even in progressive households women usually are barely equals to men. HOWEVER men can abuse other men and women can abuse other women in LGBTQ relationships, which is obviously a different scenario.
-17. He abuses drugs and alcohol: This is probably one of the most frequently heard excuses for domestic violence. It was a driving force behind various forms of prohibition and other substance regulations. As stated through out these myth explanations this is an EXCUSE! It is used as a shield to hide behind. Alcohol and drugs do not make him abusive and sobering him up wont stop DV, the only way for an abusive man to stop being abusive is to deal with it. Further Resources:
-This website was made as an information source for people seeking to understand DV or looking for help from an abusive relationship. It has a good myth discussion if you want to learn about DV myths… and believe me there are ALOT of them.
http://www.domesticviolence.org/common-myths/
-Here is a resource about drugs and alcohol. While substance abuse is not an excuse/instigator of DV, it can harm families and learning the myths about it is also helpful in understanding family violence as a whole.
http://checkyourself.com/ShowFeaturedArticle.aspx?id=d54b9366-5879-42f5-b6ff-e2abd326d8ae
Magazine Article:
-Remember when I mentioned that LGBTQ people can have abusive relationships? The fact that people think that DV is only in the straight community is a myth itself! While Bancroft did not cover this in chapter 2, it is still a myth worth debunking. Here is an article from The Advocate, an LGBTQ magazine, talking about how DV affects ALL relationships.
http://www.advocate.com/Health_and_Fitness/Health_and_Treatments/Health_A_to_Z/Advocates__The_Courage_to_Leave/
DV Introduction and Myth Video:
-Here is a link to the a DV spot done by CBS (sorry I couldn't embed this one). It's a good overview of DV in America and does go over some of the myths associated with it. WARNING if you type in the "myths about domestic violence" on youtube.com you will NOT get anything like I am posting here. What you will see is the ramblings of men about how DV statistics are wrong and that DV education is a war on men. THIS IS NOT TRUE. These people are simply uneducated misogynists and pointing out the sexism in our society is no more a war on men then the civil rights movement was a war on the white majority. That being said, here is the link to the CBS video:
-http://www.cbsnews.com/video/watch/?id=4861076n
To end this post I thought I would end with an Oscar Wild quote that, I think, says alot about DV in our culture. We need to remember that relationships are complicated and understanding DV is not a simple 1-2-3, but it needs an open mind and alot of education.
"Truth is rarely pure and never simple."
Information, Photo, and Quote Acquired From:
Bancroft, L. (2002). Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men.
New York, NY: Penguin Group.
http://thinkexist.com/quotations/truth/
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