Treatment of Abusive Men
What can be Done?
In Bancroft's Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men he devotes the final three chapters, 13-15, to discussing how to change an abusive man and end abuse. In order to make an abuser stop, we have to look at where his abuse came from (I know I sound a bit like a broken record). Remember an abuser is made that way, not born that way. The socialization he received from an early age has instilled in him a view of the world that condones and reinforces abuse. Popular movies and tv shows, songs, and other media glorify the abuse and dominion of women and adds to a culture that teaches oppression is ok. As he grows up, these lessons about women he learned now become tangible fact that he enacts when he engages in a relationship.
But how does anyone go about changing the views of a person to change his behavior? After all as an abuser the man has a lot of power and a special status above his victim. Giving this up means relinquishing power and accepting an equal role in a relationship where everyone’s needs are considered and not his. It’s not an easy sell. However if he truly wants to change (and that is him and not his spouse/friends/etc) he may have a shot. Once this is established he needs to go to a special abuse consoler who will guide him through a complex set of steps to help him realize his actions and change them. Below is a quick detail of the 13 steps Bancroft uses:
1. He needs to confess to his history of abusiveness to his partner and past partners.
2. He needs to recognize that the abuse was wrong.
3. He needs to realize and understand that his actions were a choice and not “loosing his temper.”
4. He needs to understand that his abuse impacted his partner and family and display empathy for them.
5. Then he needs to name the patterns of abusive behavior and entitlement that he exhibited.
6. Now he must change his behaviors for considerate ones and a respectful attitude.
7. He needs to analyze his partner and realize that he has created an untrue image of her and re-see her with a positive view.
8. Apologize for what he has done.
9. He needs to understand that there are consequences for his actions.
10. He MUST commit to changing his behavior and attitude and abide by it.
11. He MUST understand that his special privileges in a relationship are outrageous and understand that he can no longer have them.
12. Like substance abuse, he must recognize that this is a lifelong battle and commit to actively fighting it.
13. He MUST understand that all of his actions now and in the future have consequence and he is responsible for all of his actions.
If an abuser skips any of these steps, he will unlikely change at all. During these processes he must not see this as a barging. For example he cannot say I will not call you “slut” if you don’t ask me to help shop for groceries. He must understand that this change means that he can no longer call names and he must become an equal in the relationship. He needs to understand that he has to give up his entitlements that he has been taught are “rightfully” his. If he doesn’t do this then chances of him changing go down. At any point if he expects his partner to “change” with him, it’s a good sign that he is not changing. He must understand his partner’s point of view and understand and empathize with her. These 13 steps must be administered in a specifically designed abuser program. Couples counseling usually used for people who have mutual issues to work out. DV has nothing to do with mutual issues. It has to do with a specific sense of entitlement in the man who uses that to gain power over his partner. The dynamics of couples counseling can even open opportunities for the abuser to manipulate the situation further. General individual therapy not designed to uproot the causes of DV, usually results in a man who is more manipulative and develops highly sophisticated arguments for his abuse.
When it’s all said and done, Bancroft has found that only a few change fully. This is a life long battle that the abuser has to take responsibility of. However if the abusive tendencies are lessened in any way, then it is worth it. The culture we live in reinforces his entitlement, so we as educated people can help this process by not tolerating media that reinforces abuse towards women. Women deserve unconditional equality to men. Our culture has changed before, and it can change again.
Further Resources
-Below are two websites that have information about rehabilitating abusive men. These include videos, training, and information if people want to start programs for men who abuse women.
Emerge: Counseling and Education to End Domestic Violence
http://www.emergedv.com/
Domestic Abuse Intervention Project
http://www.theduluthmodel.org/
Information and Photo Acquired From:
Bancroft, L. (2002). Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. New York, NY: Penguin Group.
No comments:
Post a Comment