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Introduction

Many of you reading this may ask, “Why in hell would anyone write a blog about domestic violence?!” Well while domestic violence (DV) is an often sad and depressing issue, it is important to have a frank, open, dialogue about it in order to help people better understand it. DV affects a huge number of people in our culture, and here are a few statistics to help gain a scope of DV in America:

-Roughly 2 to 4 million women are assaulted by their partners each year.

-The U.S. Surgeon General has found that the number one cause of injury to

women between ages 15 and 45 is attacks by male partners and loved ones

-The American Medical association has found that 1 out of 3 women will be a

victim of physical violence by a husband or boyfriend over the course of their lifetime.

            -1,500 to 2,000 women are murdered by partners and ex-partners each year

compromising over 1/3 of all female homicide victims and almost all of these deaths were accompanied by a history of violence in the relationship. 

Clearly this is a shocking and even overwhelming problem in American society; however, before anything can be done to alleviate it we must first understand why it occurs in the first place.  Many studies about DV tend to focus on the victim, with attempts to understand what happens to the mind of them victim in various abusive situations.  While these studies have been invaluable in understanding DV, understanding the mind of the abuser has received much less attention. By understanding how the minds of abusers work, we can more clearly understand why abusers abuse in the first place and help potential victims recognize abusive and controlling behavior.   Throughout this blog, I will be using 3 excerpts from one such study titled Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, by Lundy Bancroft.  In this study, Bancroft complies over 15 years and 2,000 cases of experience as a counselor who specializes in rehabilitating abusive men to help understand how the minds of abusive men work. 

The Mind of the Abuser

Before exploring these chapters, it is necessary to understand abuse from the perspective of the abuser.  Abuse is physical, emotional, and mental control over a victim.  When an abuser enters into a relationship, they seek to control the world of the victim.  They employ a complex network of mental and physical tools to overpower the freedom of their victim.  An abuser makes a choice to abuse; it is not a mental problem or as a result of using chemical substances.  Abuse stems from the entitlement bestowed on men at an early age.  They learn that it is their right and purpose to find a partner to make their lives complete, and that their partner will perform as expected.  In their minds, they have every right to control the lives of their families and partners because it is what they are suppose to do.   This entitlement results in a distorted view of their own superiority and that their needs come first over those of their partners and families; the bottom line is that they feel superior to their partners and families.  The act of controlling their partner is simply part of what they are supposed to do when they enter into a relationship.  They mentally manipulate situations and even make the actions of their victims seem like abuse.  Because of this entitled control, most of the abusive incidents in a relationship are in the form of punishments for attempts to resist his control. The abuser is not unable to reform, but unwilling to let go of the control over their partner’s life that they feel is rightfully theirs. 

How to use this Blog

Interspersed within the discussions of each chapter, I will post relative resources and visual tools to help understand DV in American culture.  Each chapter will include specific information that will help explore the DV topic discussed. Additionally I will include various media that, I feel, helps convey some of the various aspects of DV. Below is a poem that helps convey the feeling of being in an abusive relationship. The abuser seeks to control even the thoughts and emotions of the victim.  

A Broken Mind

Worn down by the weight of your words and actions


I became weak


Stupid to stay but scared to leave


I am alone and will lose either way


I think not for myself but for what will satisfy you


There is no me...only you using me


The warning of danger no longer sounds


I follow blindly to your commands


Erasing all of my wants and desires


My heart frowns


Scarred so deeply inside


That it only lies visible through the darkness of my own eyes


And no one even knows


I wonder if they even notice a little


Will anyone ever see past my bright smile


To see my broken soul…

Information, photo, and poem acquired from the following:

Bancroft, L. (2002). Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men.                 New York, NY: Penguin Group. 

http://www.ourplace.com/photo/rapebyslytherinprince-1?context=user

http://www.realbollywood.com/news/2010/08/gibson-trivializing-domestic-violence-exgirlfriend.html

http://www.everypoet.net/poetry/blogs/free/broken_mind