The Abusive Man and Breaking Up

I'll Never Let You Go

Above is a picture from a domestic violence PSA.  The disturbing image demonstrates two things. First, as mentioned in previous posts, this image shows how verbal abuse can be as bad or worse then physical abuse.  Second it demonstrates the total control an abusive man has over his partner.  This control will manifest itself in a break-up, because leaving an abusive man threatens to destroy a world that is designed to glorify and attend to him.  

Abusive men and breakups

In Bancroft's Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men he devotes chapter nine to studying abusive men and break-ups.  Typically when people hear about domestic violence (DV), it involves someone trying to leave one or a relationship that is on the verge of ending. Because of this, I felt that it would be beneficial to look at what happens to the abuser when a relationship ends.  Ending a relationship is a deeply personal decision to make.   While leaving an abusive man may seem like an easy thing to do, in fact it is much harder then leaving a non-abusive relationship.  An abusive man seeks to control his partner and entirety of the relationship.  When abuse manifests itself, it’s usually in the form of a punishment for resisting his control in some form, aka attempting to talk to him about his behavior.  If the relationship had been going on for years, the psychological abuse and damaged self-esteem of the woman may prevent her from leaving.  Therefore when a woman tries to leave an abusive relationship, the world that he has created for himself is threatened and he will try and keep control over her and the relationship at all costs.  Including heightened controlling behavior, increased verbal/physical assaults, stalking, destroying of property, spreading rumors or even threatening to kill himself and/or the woman.  Another scenario is that the man turns nice, all of a sudden, and promises to change or lays on guilt trips about leaving him.    Either way the abusive man’s view of his partner as property compels him, he feels, to do whatever is necessary to keep her under his control.  This mindset can even carry beyond the relationship.  Many times the abuser will try and seek control over the victim long after the relationship has ended, even if he has no desire to get back into the relationship. 

While leaving an abusive man is not easy, it is important to look at how someone can safely leave an abusive man.  However gauging the threat level of an abuser is not an exact science.  The complex nature of a relationship causes people to act in irrational ways, and when this is applied an abusive man the combination can be deadly. A primarily psychological abuser may turn violent and engage in physical attacks of his ex-partner, their children, pets, or family members.   As explained by Bancroft, it is essential to seek the help from a specialist, which can include calling a hotline, talking to a DV counselor, going to a shelter, etc.  Being alert about the safety of herself and her children is the first priority when leaving a relationship, however it can be done.  When it’s all done, it’s very important to take time to heal from the trauma of both being in and leaving an abusive relationship. 

Traumatic Bonding
One of the reasons it's so hard to leave an abusive man is because of, "traumatic bonding." According to Bancroft, traumatic bonding is the process where an abused person can become emotionally dependent on their abuser.  The abuser's constant barrage of verbal assaults does quite a bit of damage to a person's psyche.  However, in between these assaults there is sudden niceness giving the feeling that their abuser is actually loving them and looking out for their best interests.  During these times of peace, an abused person can become attached to their abuser (the same is true for child abuse victims).  When these cycles of abuse and kindness repeat over and over, the victim becomes attached to the abuser in a manner that they may feel that no one knows them as well as their husband and that even if they leave no legal harm should happen to him.  Because of this attachment, leaving an abusive man can be very difficult especially when this is combined with economic ties to the abuser or children.  The abuser has worked hard to make sure that victim has no life or control over her decisions, that this feeling may be all she has to hold onto.  

Further Resources:

-This website is an Indiana resource for women in abusive relationships.  This pdf discusses the various phases a woman goes through before actually leaving an abusive relationship. 

http://www.crisisconnectioninc.org/pdf/Stages_of_Leaving_an_Abusive_Relationship.pdf

-This website discusses how to make a "safety plan" for before and after leaving an abusive man. This resource contains very important things to consider when leaving an abusive man.  

http://www.domesticviolence.org/personalized-safety-plan/

-Also I'll going to repost the ling to the national domestic violence hotline which is the best general resource for people in all types of abusive relationships.  (it also includes a quick escape feature to close the window if you are unsure if your computer is monitored by an abuser).  

http://www.thehotline.org/

New York Times: How to leave an abusive relationship:

This article was published in the New York Times. It discusses leaving an abusive relationship, has a load of resources for those in abusive relationship, as well as a discussion of a safety plan.

http://www.nytimes.com/1998/03/17/science/personal-health-planning-to-escape-from-an-abusive-relationship.html?scp=1&sq=abusive%20men&st=cse

How to Help Children Cope After Leaving an Abusive Household

Above is a video that discusses how to help children adjust after leaving an abusive relationship.  It is especially difficult to leave an abuser when biological children are had between the abuser and the victim.  This resource discusses how to help children adjust to this painstaking process.  

"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle. " -Albert Einstein 

I decided to end this post with this Albert Einstein quote. Leaving an abusive relationship is hard.  However, you only get one life and that life is YOURS.  It does not belong to your abuser, you do not live to serve him, and you can have your world back.  After leaving an abusive relationship, everything seems possible again.  

Information, Photo, and Quote Acquired From:

Bancroft, L. (2002). Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men.                

New York, NY: Penguin Group.

http://files.coloribus.com/files/adsarchive/part_1192/11922655/file/domestic-violence-verbal-abusesmall-73247.jpg

http://thinkexist.com/quotations/living/