How Abuse Begins

A Beautiful Beginning 

A an early relationship, much like a springtime garden, is beautiful and full of summer promise.  No one, not the man nor the woman, plan to get into an abusive relationship.  They both want bliss. However bliss for an abusive man is quite different then that of the woman.  

How Abuse Begins

In Bancroft's Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men he devotes chapter five to helping understand how the abuser began to abuse.  A lot of attention is given to the abuse during a relationship and the aftermath, but not a lot of attention is given to the “before.”  I feel this is something worth starting about.  All relationships have a nice sweet beginning. Bancroft calls it “the Garden of Eden.” Many people will ask. “Did he plan it out?” According to Bancroft, no they didn’t.  Just like the woman, they wanted a blissful relationship.  He wishes to see her being loyal, serving him in every way he needs, being sexy, all with no real needs for herself.  Remember, domestic violence (DV) starts with a socialized view of women.  The man views the women as a second-class person who is suppose to serve, obey, and command the attention of the man.  He may not even be aware that he feels this way about the future of the relationship.  However some early behaviors may be warning signs that he could be abusive. 

Here are some early warning signs of that a man may be abusive:

-He speaks disrespectfully about his former partners. 

-He is disrespectful towards you.

-He does favors for you that make you feel uncomfortable or puts on such a show of generosity that it makes you uncomfortable. 

-He is controlling.

-He is possessive. 

-Nothing is ever his fault. 

-He is self-centered.

-He tries to get you to use substances and alcohol with him. 

-He pressures you for sex.

-He gets too serious too quickly about the relationship

-He intimidates you when he’s angry. 

-He has double standards.

-He has negative attitudes towards women.

-He treats you differently around other people. 

-He appears to be attracted to vulnerability. 

While not a single one of these things is a sign that he might be abusive, if any man behaves like this confront them. Don’t give him too many chances; let him know that these behaviors are NOT acceptable.  If you give in, you show him that you are not serious and open the door to more negative behaviors.  But when does the abuse start? Abuse is about control.  When he begins to act in a way that harms her and/or creates a special, privileged, status for him that is abuse.  When a woman attempts to confront him about this and he retaliates/punishes/blames her/or denies his actions, it is a good sign he is being abusive. Everyone has fights, but when these behaviors and denials continue it is only going down a bad road.  No one should ever take a wait and see stance. If a man listens to the needs/complaints of his partner and makes self-directed attempts to end his actions, he may have a chance at changing.  It is better to act sooner then later and either seek help or leave.  As a final note if a woman doesn’t have children with an abusive man, keep it should be kept that way.  A new baby won’t change an abusive man, but may tie a woman to a relationship.  It may actually cause more problems.  

Further Resources

-This website is the National Domestic Violence Hotline. It is a resource that can help people in abusive relationships find a way out. This is a great resource to help people at any stage of an abusive relationship. 

http://www.thehotline.org/

-This website is a general psychology website.  Here it discusses some of the early cycles of abuse and expands on some of the topic discussed above.  

http://psychcentral.com/lib/2006/the-common-pattern-of-domestic-violence/

From the Experts

-This links to an article that discusses beginning stages of Domestic Violence.  Specifically it looks into stalking behavior, another warning sign of an abusive man.  

http://jiv.sagepub.com/content/12/3/420

Sin by Silence

Below is a trailer for a documentary that discusses the stories of abused women who killed their wives.  It is one of the best documentaries that I have seen in along time. These women tell their stories, from the honeymoon in the beginning to the horrific relationships that follow. It it truly inspirational.

Domestic Violence in Popular Culture: "There's Something About Mary"

Below is a trailer for the movie "There's Something About Mary." This movie, while funny, is actually about three men stalking one woman.  Take another look at this movie with a DV lens on and see how we normalize potentially harmful behaviors like stalking potential love interests. 

I Got Flowers Today

To end this post I thought I would include a poem I found that describes the cycle of abuse that the honey moon phase of an abusive relationship can lead to. Remember don't wait until you are certain that it is an abusive relationship… 

I Got Flowers Today - by Paulette Kelly

i got flowers today.
it wasn't my birthday or any other special day.
we had our first argument last night,
and he said a lot of cruel things that really hurt me.
i know he is sorry and didn't mean the things he said.
because he sent me flowers today.

i got flowers today.
it wasn't our anniversary any other special day.
last night, he threw me into a wall and started to choke me.
it seemed like a nightmare.
i couldn't believe it was real.
i woke up this morning sore and bruised all over.
i know he must be sorry.
because he sent me flowers today.

i got flowers today,
and it wasn't Mother's Day or any other special day.
last night, he beat me up again.
and it was much worse than all the other times.
if i leave him, what will i do?
how will i take care of my kids?
what about money?
i'm afraid of him and scared to leave.
but i know he must be sorry.
because he sent me flowers today.

i got flowers today.
today was a very special day.
it was the day of my funeral.
last night, he finally killed me.
he beat me to death.
if only i had gathered enough courage and strength to leave him,
i would not have gotten flowers... today.

Information, Photo, and Poem acquired from:



http://home-and-gardening.info/wp-content/uploads/2009/05/best-garden.jpg
http://sohurtish.blogspot.com/2009/02/i-got-flowers-today-by-paulette-kelly.html

Bancroft, L. (2002). Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men.                

New York, NY: Penguin Group.