The Final Chapter: Treating Abusive Men

Treatment of Abusive Men

What can be Done?

In Bancroft's Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men he devotes the final three chapters, 13-15, to discussing how to change an abusive man and end abuse.  In order to make an abuser stop, we have to look at where his abuse came from (I know I sound a bit like a broken record).  Remember an abuser is made that way, not born that way.  The socialization he received from an early age has instilled in him a view of the world that condones and reinforces abuse.  Popular movies and tv shows, songs, and other media glorify the abuse and dominion of women and adds to a culture that teaches oppression is ok.  As he grows up, these lessons about women he learned now become tangible fact that he enacts when he engages in a relationship. 

But how does anyone go about changing the views of a person to change his behavior? After all as an abuser the man has a lot of power and a special status above his victim. Giving this up means relinquishing power and accepting an equal role in a relationship where everyone’s needs are considered and not his. It’s not an easy sell.  However if he truly wants to change (and that is him and not his spouse/friends/etc) he may have a shot.   Once this is established he needs to go to a special abuse consoler who will guide him through a complex set of steps to help him realize his actions and change them.  Below is a quick detail of the 13 steps Bancroft uses:

1.     He needs to confess to his history of abusiveness to his partner and past partners.

2.     He needs to recognize that the abuse was wrong.

3.     He needs to realize and understand that his actions were a choice and not “loosing his temper.”

4.     He needs to understand that his abuse impacted his partner and family and display empathy for them.

5.     Then he needs to name the patterns of abusive behavior and entitlement that he exhibited.

6.     Now he must change his behaviors for considerate ones and a respectful attitude. 

7.     He needs to analyze his partner and realize that he has created an untrue image of her and re-see her with a positive view. 

8.     Apologize for what he has done.

9.     He needs to understand that there are consequences for his actions.

10. He MUST commit to changing his behavior and attitude and abide by it. 

11. He MUST understand that his special privileges in a relationship are outrageous and understand that he can no longer have them. 

12. Like substance abuse, he must recognize that this is a lifelong battle and commit to actively fighting it. 

13. He MUST understand that all of his actions now and in the future have consequence and he is responsible for all of his actions.  

If an abuser skips any of these steps, he will unlikely change at all.  During these processes he must not see this as a barging. For example he cannot say I will not call you “slut” if you don’t ask me to help shop for groceries. He must understand that this change means that he can no longer call names and he must become an equal in the relationship.  He needs to understand that he has to give up his entitlements that he has been taught are “rightfully” his. If he doesn’t do this then chances of him changing go down.  At any point if he expects his partner to “change” with him, it’s a good sign that he is not changing.  He must understand his partner’s point of view and understand and empathize with her.  These 13 steps must be administered in a specifically designed abuser program.  Couples counseling usually used for people who have mutual issues to work out.  DV has nothing to do with mutual issues.  It has to do with a specific sense of entitlement in the man who uses that to gain power over his partner.  The dynamics of couples counseling can even open opportunities for the abuser to manipulate the situation further.  General individual therapy not designed to uproot the causes of DV, usually results in a man who is more manipulative and develops highly sophisticated arguments for his abuse.

When it’s all said and done, Bancroft has found that only a few change fully.  This is a life long battle that the abuser has to take responsibility of.  However if the abusive tendencies are lessened in any way, then it is worth it.   The culture we live in reinforces his entitlement, so we as educated people can help this process by not tolerating media that reinforces abuse towards women. Women deserve unconditional equality to men.   Our culture has changed before, and it can change again. 

Further Resources

-Below are two websites that have information about rehabilitating abusive men. These include videos, training, and information if people want to start programs for men who abuse women.

Emerge: Counseling and Education to End Domestic Violence

http://www.emergedv.com/

Domestic Abuse Intervention Project

http://www.theduluthmodel.org/

Information and Photo Acquired From:

Bancroft, L. (2002). Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. New York, NY: Penguin Group. 

http://www.thecyn.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2010/08/group-therapy

Word Search!

Domestic Violence Concept Word Search!
Below is a word search containing important topics discussed in my blog. There are 10 
concepts that are defined below. If the words have spaces, the answers in the search omit the spaces. Happy hunting!

Abuse: This is the mistreatment of a partner/spouse using physical and/or emotional tools.
Control: This is the goal of most abuse.  The abuser seeks to control the world of their 
partners so that the relationship revolves around them.  
Disrespect: This is the root of domestic violence.  Men feel that they are entitled to do 
whatever they please to women because it is their right to do so.  They disrespect women. 
Domestic Violence: This is the holistic term used to describe an abusive home.  It 
encompasses all aspects of the relationship.
Garden of Eden: This is the analogy used for the beginning stages of an abusive 
relationship where the abuser displays a huge amount of affection and desire to be in a 
relationship with their partner.  
Hotline: A hotline is a number that anyone involved in an abusive relationship can use to get help. Check out my previous posts for some useful hotlines.  
Safety Plan: This refers to the plan that a person in and/or planning on leaving an abusive relationship should have for their safety.  It includes a pre and post break-up safety plan. 
Socialization: While not directly talked about, this process is relied on heavily by 
Bancroft. It refers to the process by which we as humans gain an understanding about the norms and values of our society.  This is what plants the entitled feeling in men at a young age that women are there to serve men.  
Traumatic Bonding: This concept is the process by which an abused person becomes 
emotionally attached to their abuser.  Traumatic Bonding is one of the reasons that leaving an abusive person is so hard.  
Warning Signs: These are the behaviors to watch out for! If a potential partner displays any of these behaviors early on, it's a good sign to either get out or confront him about it. If 
it his behavior doesn't change, get out fast! Don't wait until you are sure it is an abusive 
relationship. 

I S N Z X L E G E R C A B F X R J D V X M R D S M 

P E G P B U X N L C H U W A O M I R Y X N J Q A R 

A D Z X Z N G I D I N T E Q G S V M N O M O C F G 

W I S B L N K D E Y Y E P O R G U F I R F F G E W 
L U E L K J K N C L G S L E M S Q T K C V N E T O 
K O G A K C V O O I A Y S O M T A L B L I N O Y Z 
B Q R L T L Q B G H D P X N I Z A Z N K M P Z P N 
Y Z T T T Y K C P A E D H D I V F W M N G J H L E 
L U M M N B M I A C R L S L Z H C R G D T O X A O 
T Y T E P O T T T O C D A W A R N I N G S I G N S 
V D P Y W O C A V Z W I E N L Y R D T O W I H D F 
K W D H C E C M W E C W T N C F U Z Q S J L A Z C 
G Z F F O L X U G O N M B B O K X S Q D E O O E Z 
E P I O I R Z A S H L N V R O F P S F U V M S J H 
X W T P Q A W R A L T P G K V M E N K U S N O M T 
X D I J S Y L T J V J C A J Q U W D I K V A H D K 
H I N M C A F P N M X O S I N K N X E Z R W P W K 
Z W Q P Z F P E A Z O U C A U H D N R N T T Z U E 
N V Y V C N V S R H Z R U M G L A M J C G I M H N 
E N I L T O H U N G Z L P N V F S E E L O H W L T 
O Y U B V W C B G D Q Z A S P K E L C A B N R F J 
I F V Z O U P A E O I S D B Q J R C V A C A Z M L 
X R N A H K Q Y B T Z F M W S Y R M O R F X J F B 
J J M R M H V K I Z J D G B U E K Z F L E J N T B 
J O O W P G U V A B Z J J R T T K A H J Z I L W W

Word Search Generated by the Following:
http://puzzlemaker.discoveryeducation.com/code/BuildWordSearch.asp

The Abusive Man and Breaking Up

I'll Never Let You Go

Above is a picture from a domestic violence PSA.  The disturbing image demonstrates two things. First, as mentioned in previous posts, this image shows how verbal abuse can be as bad or worse then physical abuse.  Second it demonstrates the total control an abusive man has over his partner.  This control will manifest itself in a break-up, because leaving an abusive man threatens to destroy a world that is designed to glorify and attend to him.  

Abusive men and breakups

In Bancroft's Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men he devotes chapter nine to studying abusive men and break-ups.  Typically when people hear about domestic violence (DV), it involves someone trying to leave one or a relationship that is on the verge of ending. Because of this, I felt that it would be beneficial to look at what happens to the abuser when a relationship ends.  Ending a relationship is a deeply personal decision to make.   While leaving an abusive man may seem like an easy thing to do, in fact it is much harder then leaving a non-abusive relationship.  An abusive man seeks to control his partner and entirety of the relationship.  When abuse manifests itself, it’s usually in the form of a punishment for resisting his control in some form, aka attempting to talk to him about his behavior.  If the relationship had been going on for years, the psychological abuse and damaged self-esteem of the woman may prevent her from leaving.  Therefore when a woman tries to leave an abusive relationship, the world that he has created for himself is threatened and he will try and keep control over her and the relationship at all costs.  Including heightened controlling behavior, increased verbal/physical assaults, stalking, destroying of property, spreading rumors or even threatening to kill himself and/or the woman.  Another scenario is that the man turns nice, all of a sudden, and promises to change or lays on guilt trips about leaving him.    Either way the abusive man’s view of his partner as property compels him, he feels, to do whatever is necessary to keep her under his control.  This mindset can even carry beyond the relationship.  Many times the abuser will try and seek control over the victim long after the relationship has ended, even if he has no desire to get back into the relationship. 

While leaving an abusive man is not easy, it is important to look at how someone can safely leave an abusive man.  However gauging the threat level of an abuser is not an exact science.  The complex nature of a relationship causes people to act in irrational ways, and when this is applied an abusive man the combination can be deadly. A primarily psychological abuser may turn violent and engage in physical attacks of his ex-partner, their children, pets, or family members.   As explained by Bancroft, it is essential to seek the help from a specialist, which can include calling a hotline, talking to a DV counselor, going to a shelter, etc.  Being alert about the safety of herself and her children is the first priority when leaving a relationship, however it can be done.  When it’s all done, it’s very important to take time to heal from the trauma of both being in and leaving an abusive relationship. 

Traumatic Bonding
One of the reasons it's so hard to leave an abusive man is because of, "traumatic bonding." According to Bancroft, traumatic bonding is the process where an abused person can become emotionally dependent on their abuser.  The abuser's constant barrage of verbal assaults does quite a bit of damage to a person's psyche.  However, in between these assaults there is sudden niceness giving the feeling that their abuser is actually loving them and looking out for their best interests.  During these times of peace, an abused person can become attached to their abuser (the same is true for child abuse victims).  When these cycles of abuse and kindness repeat over and over, the victim becomes attached to the abuser in a manner that they may feel that no one knows them as well as their husband and that even if they leave no legal harm should happen to him.  Because of this attachment, leaving an abusive man can be very difficult especially when this is combined with economic ties to the abuser or children.  The abuser has worked hard to make sure that victim has no life or control over her decisions, that this feeling may be all she has to hold onto.  

Further Resources:

-This website is an Indiana resource for women in abusive relationships.  This pdf discusses the various phases a woman goes through before actually leaving an abusive relationship. 

http://www.crisisconnectioninc.org/pdf/Stages_of_Leaving_an_Abusive_Relationship.pdf

-This website discusses how to make a "safety plan" for before and after leaving an abusive man. This resource contains very important things to consider when leaving an abusive man.  

http://www.domesticviolence.org/personalized-safety-plan/

-Also I'll going to repost the ling to the national domestic violence hotline which is the best general resource for people in all types of abusive relationships.  (it also includes a quick escape feature to close the window if you are unsure if your computer is monitored by an abuser).  

http://www.thehotline.org/

New York Times: How to leave an abusive relationship:

This article was published in the New York Times. It discusses leaving an abusive relationship, has a load of resources for those in abusive relationship, as well as a discussion of a safety plan.

http://www.nytimes.com/1998/03/17/science/personal-health-planning-to-escape-from-an-abusive-relationship.html?scp=1&sq=abusive%20men&st=cse

How to Help Children Cope After Leaving an Abusive Household

Above is a video that discusses how to help children adjust after leaving an abusive relationship.  It is especially difficult to leave an abuser when biological children are had between the abuser and the victim.  This resource discusses how to help children adjust to this painstaking process.  

"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle. " -Albert Einstein 

I decided to end this post with this Albert Einstein quote. Leaving an abusive relationship is hard.  However, you only get one life and that life is YOURS.  It does not belong to your abuser, you do not live to serve him, and you can have your world back.  After leaving an abusive relationship, everything seems possible again.  

Information, Photo, and Quote Acquired From:

Bancroft, L. (2002). Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men.                

New York, NY: Penguin Group.

http://files.coloribus.com/files/adsarchive/part_1192/11922655/file/domestic-violence-verbal-abusesmall-73247.jpg

http://thinkexist.com/quotations/living/

How Abuse Begins

A Beautiful Beginning 

A an early relationship, much like a springtime garden, is beautiful and full of summer promise.  No one, not the man nor the woman, plan to get into an abusive relationship.  They both want bliss. However bliss for an abusive man is quite different then that of the woman.  

How Abuse Begins

In Bancroft's Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men he devotes chapter five to helping understand how the abuser began to abuse.  A lot of attention is given to the abuse during a relationship and the aftermath, but not a lot of attention is given to the “before.”  I feel this is something worth starting about.  All relationships have a nice sweet beginning. Bancroft calls it “the Garden of Eden.” Many people will ask. “Did he plan it out?” According to Bancroft, no they didn’t.  Just like the woman, they wanted a blissful relationship.  He wishes to see her being loyal, serving him in every way he needs, being sexy, all with no real needs for herself.  Remember, domestic violence (DV) starts with a socialized view of women.  The man views the women as a second-class person who is suppose to serve, obey, and command the attention of the man.  He may not even be aware that he feels this way about the future of the relationship.  However some early behaviors may be warning signs that he could be abusive. 

Here are some early warning signs of that a man may be abusive:

-He speaks disrespectfully about his former partners. 

-He is disrespectful towards you.

-He does favors for you that make you feel uncomfortable or puts on such a show of generosity that it makes you uncomfortable. 

-He is controlling.

-He is possessive. 

-Nothing is ever his fault. 

-He is self-centered.

-He tries to get you to use substances and alcohol with him. 

-He pressures you for sex.

-He gets too serious too quickly about the relationship

-He intimidates you when he’s angry. 

-He has double standards.

-He has negative attitudes towards women.

-He treats you differently around other people. 

-He appears to be attracted to vulnerability. 

While not a single one of these things is a sign that he might be abusive, if any man behaves like this confront them. Don’t give him too many chances; let him know that these behaviors are NOT acceptable.  If you give in, you show him that you are not serious and open the door to more negative behaviors.  But when does the abuse start? Abuse is about control.  When he begins to act in a way that harms her and/or creates a special, privileged, status for him that is abuse.  When a woman attempts to confront him about this and he retaliates/punishes/blames her/or denies his actions, it is a good sign he is being abusive. Everyone has fights, but when these behaviors and denials continue it is only going down a bad road.  No one should ever take a wait and see stance. If a man listens to the needs/complaints of his partner and makes self-directed attempts to end his actions, he may have a chance at changing.  It is better to act sooner then later and either seek help or leave.  As a final note if a woman doesn’t have children with an abusive man, keep it should be kept that way.  A new baby won’t change an abusive man, but may tie a woman to a relationship.  It may actually cause more problems.  

Further Resources

-This website is the National Domestic Violence Hotline. It is a resource that can help people in abusive relationships find a way out. This is a great resource to help people at any stage of an abusive relationship. 

http://www.thehotline.org/

-This website is a general psychology website.  Here it discusses some of the early cycles of abuse and expands on some of the topic discussed above.  

http://psychcentral.com/lib/2006/the-common-pattern-of-domestic-violence/

From the Experts

-This links to an article that discusses beginning stages of Domestic Violence.  Specifically it looks into stalking behavior, another warning sign of an abusive man.  

http://jiv.sagepub.com/content/12/3/420

Sin by Silence

Below is a trailer for a documentary that discusses the stories of abused women who killed their wives.  It is one of the best documentaries that I have seen in along time. These women tell their stories, from the honeymoon in the beginning to the horrific relationships that follow. It it truly inspirational.

Domestic Violence in Popular Culture: "There's Something About Mary"

Below is a trailer for the movie "There's Something About Mary." This movie, while funny, is actually about three men stalking one woman.  Take another look at this movie with a DV lens on and see how we normalize potentially harmful behaviors like stalking potential love interests. 

I Got Flowers Today

To end this post I thought I would include a poem I found that describes the cycle of abuse that the honey moon phase of an abusive relationship can lead to. Remember don't wait until you are certain that it is an abusive relationship… 

I Got Flowers Today - by Paulette Kelly

i got flowers today.
it wasn't my birthday or any other special day.
we had our first argument last night,
and he said a lot of cruel things that really hurt me.
i know he is sorry and didn't mean the things he said.
because he sent me flowers today.

i got flowers today.
it wasn't our anniversary any other special day.
last night, he threw me into a wall and started to choke me.
it seemed like a nightmare.
i couldn't believe it was real.
i woke up this morning sore and bruised all over.
i know he must be sorry.
because he sent me flowers today.

i got flowers today,
and it wasn't Mother's Day or any other special day.
last night, he beat me up again.
and it was much worse than all the other times.
if i leave him, what will i do?
how will i take care of my kids?
what about money?
i'm afraid of him and scared to leave.
but i know he must be sorry.
because he sent me flowers today.

i got flowers today.
today was a very special day.
it was the day of my funeral.
last night, he finally killed me.
he beat me to death.
if only i had gathered enough courage and strength to leave him,
i would not have gotten flowers... today.

Information, Photo, and Poem acquired from:



http://home-and-gardening.info/wp-content/uploads/2009/05/best-garden.jpg
http://sohurtish.blogspot.com/2009/02/i-got-flowers-today-by-paulette-kelly.html

Bancroft, L. (2002). Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men.                

New York, NY: Penguin Group. 

The Mythology

The Excuse Facade

Above is a picture of "Main Street Disney." The myths about domestic violence (DV) are in actuality excuses for their behavior that abusive men hide behind.  Behind these pretty, complex, store fronts there is a secret: it's not a main street at all but all a rouse to get you to believe it is.  Similarly abusive men use these excuses for their behavior as a screen to hide behind, hoping that you wont discover their abusive behavior.  

The Myths about DV

In Bancroft's Why Does He Do That?: INside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men he devotes chapter two to dispelling the myths about DV.  An abuser in an abusive situation is more aware of his actions then he lets on.  Bancroft describes the abuser as a magician.  He distorts situations, makes excuses for his behavior, and convinces others of his good intentions all to keep control over his partner and keep his partner from ever honing in on his abusiveness at all.  Because of this, many myths surround DV.  I choose to discuss and explore this chapter, because this is one of the biggest barriers to helping people understand the cultural roots of DV and dispel the homegrown myths surrounding DV. 

Many people may ask, “What exactly are these so called myths about DV?” Well as stated in Bancroft’s study there are 17 Major myths about abusive men and DV:

1.     He was abused as a child and needs therapy for it.

2.     His previous partner hurt him.

3.     He abuses these he loves the most.

4.     He holds in his feelings too much.

5.     He has an aggressive personality.

6.     He Loses Control.

7.     He is too angry.

8.     He is mentally ill.

9.     He hates women.

10. He is afraid of intimacy and abandonment.

11. He has low self-esteem.

12. His boss mistreats him.

13. He has poor skills in communication and conflict resolution.

14. There are as many abusive women as men.

15. His abusiveness is bad for him as for his partner.

16. He is a victim of racism.

17. He abuses drugs and alcohol. 

These myths about DV are also the most commonly used excuses for abusive men.  Remember, abuse is about control over a partner. It is a conscious choice made by the abuser. These excuses, made by both his partner and him, are just that; excuses for his actions.  I will briefly go over some of the most common excuses.  Number’s 8, 9, 11, 14, and 17. 

            -8. He is mentally ill: The aggregate body of research on DV has found that most abusive men are NOT abusive.  Their apparent irrational, violent, and “crazy” behavior works to their advantage to confuse, fluster, and eventually get control over their partners.  To quote Bancroft, “their value system is unhealthy, not their psychology.”  A choice is made by the abuser to treat their partners badly; if they had a true mental disorder they would treat everyone horridly and not just their partner.

            -9. He hates women: Abusive men don’t hate women they disrespect them. Remember DV is a result from a value system that has been placed on women. They are property and can be controlled by any means necessary.   Most studies have found that abusive men did not have overbearing mothers or abusive mothers, but rather fathers whom where abusive which carries over to their sons. 

            -11. He has low self-esteem: Abusive men usually carry a high opinion of themselves, using their wives as ways to boost their own self image by being superior to them.  The control they exhibit over their partners usually glorifies and empowers themselves.  Using this as an excuse, generally, gets his partner and outside parties to pander and cater to his ego. 

            -14. There are as many abusive women as men: There is no doubt that there are women who treat their partners horribly; however, is this actually a problem? Are there men going to shelters, failing at work or school, or forced to have unwanted sex from their abusive wives? The answer is plainly no. It is extremely rare to see this in our society.  If shame were keeping them in the closet, then women would never come forward about abuse either, so throw that thought out! DV happens to women because of their second-class status that is engrained in abusive men, even in progressive households women usually are barely equals to men.  HOWEVER men can abuse other men and women can abuse other women in LGBTQ relationships, which is obviously a different scenario. 

            -17.  He abuses drugs and alcohol: This is probably one of the most frequently heard excuses for domestic violence.  It was a driving force behind various forms of prohibition and other substance regulations.   As stated through out these myth explanations this is an EXCUSE! It is used as a shield to hide behind. Alcohol and drugs do not make him abusive and sobering him up wont stop DV, the only way for an abusive man to stop being abusive is to deal with it.  


Further Resources:
-This website was made as an information source for people seeking to understand DV or looking for help from an abusive relationship. It has a good myth discussion if you want to learn about DV myths… and believe me there are ALOT of them.  


http://www.domesticviolence.org/common-myths/


-Here is a resource about drugs and alcohol. While substance abuse is not an excuse/instigator of DV, it can harm families and learning the myths about it is also helpful in understanding family violence as a whole.


http://checkyourself.com/ShowFeaturedArticle.aspx?id=d54b9366-5879-42f5-b6ff-e2abd326d8ae


Magazine Article:
-Remember when I mentioned that LGBTQ people can have abusive relationships? The fact that people think that DV is only in the straight community is a myth itself! While Bancroft did not cover this in chapter 2, it is still a myth worth debunking.  Here is an article from The Advocate, an LGBTQ magazine, talking about how DV affects ALL relationships.  


http://www.advocate.com/Health_and_Fitness/Health_and_Treatments/Health_A_to_Z/Advocates__The_Courage_to_Leave/


DV Introduction and Myth Video:
-Here is a link to the a DV spot done by CBS (sorry I couldn't embed this one). It's a good overview of DV in America and does go over some of the myths associated with it.  WARNING if you type in the "myths about domestic violence" on youtube.com you will NOT get anything like I am posting here. What you will see is the ramblings of men about how DV statistics are wrong and that DV education is a war on men. THIS IS NOT TRUE. These people are simply uneducated misogynists and pointing out the sexism in our society is no more a war on men then the civil rights movement was a war on the white majority. That being said, here is the link to the CBS video:


-http://www.cbsnews.com/video/watch/?id=4861076n


To end this post I thought I would end with an Oscar Wild quote that, I think, says alot about DV in our culture. We need to remember that relationships are complicated and understanding DV is not a simple 1-2-3, but it needs an open mind and alot of education.  

"Truth is rarely pure and never simple."

Information, Photo, and Quote Acquired From:

Bancroft, L. (2002). Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men.                 

New York, NY: Penguin Group. 

http://www.charleskeng.com/images-hk/disney691v3.jpg
http://thinkexist.com/quotations/truth/